TWO Daze Before Yesterday

When he asked me "what happened to us" 5 years after we broke up it made the daze lift from my memory.

I was young when we first started dating, 16 to be exact.  He was sometimes right by my side, but often times away to the side during my lifespan that took me from my high school days to my days as a young-mother.

It's still hard to believe that my dazed memory almost caused me to marry him.  I had conveniently forgotten the cheating, the fights, the arguing, the trips to the health department for medication, the disdain his family had for me... all the drama.

When he asked me "what happened to us" and my memory returned I couldn't do anything but laugh at him. He must have still been dazed and confused... I wasn't!  I had come to find out what love really meant.  I had true friends.  I had seen what being a father to a daughter looked like.  I had set goals and accomplished them.  I had happiness.  And most importantly, I had times where my outlook was clear.

ONE Daze Before Yesterday

Thugs need no memory ;) 

I wouldn't exactly call myself a thug.  As my mother likes to say, I have a mean streak.

Growing up I was always trying to hang out with my male cousins.  Because of this I had to prove I could fit in.  I would run, jump, fight, fall, climb, race...whatever they were doing, so was I.  Sometimes I didn't know when to turn the daredevil in me off.


"Nikki, I dare you to put your gum in her hair."  I shouldn't have done it but she dared me.  So I HAD TO!!!


I think my friends may have taken advantage of my daredevil qualities and used it to their own advantages.  I say that because I didn't have a problem with Kim Brown.  True, she used to walk around acting like her shit didn't stink, but I really could care less.  Now, my best friend on the other hand couldn't stand her ass.  "Look at her!  Ugh, I hate that bitch.  I dare you to punch her in the face when she walks by."  I KNOW, I KNOW, I shouldn't have done it, but I did.


My desire to fit in and be accepted by certain groups made me do things that I knew were bad but I did them anyway.  All they had to do was say three little words...


I DARE YOU!


Now I ask you, does that make me a thug? or someone with a mean streak? or simply weak and susceptible to peer pressure?

THE daze before yesterday

My memory is all muddled.  I don't do drugs, never have.  I drink occassionally...like once or twice a month.  I don't know why my memory is such a daze.  It maybe because I don't try to remember things that are not of great importance.  My earliest memory is of being a 4 year old going to Ms. Maddie's (next door) while my mom went to work and my aunt Winnie picking me up from there and taking me for french fries at McDonald's.  She taught me how to tear the ketchup packet just a little so I could dip my fry inside and pull it out with just enough ketchup on it without making a mess on my clothes.  Joy! Joy!

I also remember being in the mall with my Granny and mom and walking up to my grandma Ms. Irene and aunt Booty.  My grandma Irene was always small framed and gave tight hugs.  She was my father's mother and I longed to run into her and him in the mall together, but she was always with my aunt Booty.

I didn't have memories of my father.  I "met" him when I was 13 years old.  Any interaction I had with him before that age I cannot recall.

Sometimes I get frustrated that my memory is a daze.  Sometimes I panic thinking that perhaps it's a sign of early alzheimer's disease.  Sometimes though it's a good thing that I have a dazed memory because some of my past I never want to remember.

Memories don't live like people do
They always 'member you
Whether things are good or bad
It's just the memories that you have
The Beenie Man a sing (say hey)
Boy stop live down inna de past